Elden Ring Review

A Positive-Horrible Experience


Emileigh Hoyt graphic

Elden Ring is the latest game that all the gamers are pouring many hours of their short lives into. Elden Ring is the love child of Dark Souls and Bloodborne who are distant cousins fueled by the rejected ideas of George R. R. Martin that did not make the cut for Game of Thrones. Playing Elden Ring is equivalent to eating a ham sandwich without any mayo while taking a cold shower. You will be sad the entire time; however, you are kind of into it. 

The first thing any player will notice upon starting the game is that players can leave messages that can appear in other players’ worlds. The optimal use is to let others know of important items or secret passages. We are talking about real people here, so you will not get that. One of the first messages one can see just says “fort, night:” this is called foreshadowing for things to come. 

Elden Ring has been compared to its parent games in terms of similarities, but it has one feature that it developed on its own while at daycare: the ability to jump. Yes, having the option to jump to dodge attacks, then roll, is a huge jump for 21st-century gaming. Mario had the breakthrough back in the 80s and we are getting a new game that just found out that maybe jumping is a good idea. That is why the game has sold over 12 million copies. Having the ability to have a second form of dodging is a gift since the game loves to have the player fight the equivalent of school busses: they are predictable, but they hurt when they hit you.

Elden Ring does not hold back when it comes to difficulty. Upon leaving the tutorial area, you are immediately greeted by a man explaining that you will be lonely forever and a mid-game boss that will, as the gamers call it, body you. To put it in simple terms: there is no one in the entire game that will be your friend. Think you met someone who would help you? Nope, they only want to use you as a meat shield and probably kill you when the mission is over. 

In the large, large world of Elden Ring, you need to have a bigger stick than everyone else if you want to survive. That is why the most optimal playstyle is not having a plan and HAVE FUN. Those who say someone must play by the meta hate fun and complete the game in less than 20 hours. If one wants to play as a swordsman and take over 100 tries on a sub-boss and get clapped every time by some broken lightning attack and contemplate life choices, good on them. No salt here.

Throughout the game, the player will come across many different enemies and will experience a new way of dying with every single one.  Some of these enemies are, but are not limited to, the large guy on a horse, guy with many hands, large plants, the large guy on a tiny horse, edge lords, a snake thing with a face, trees, dragons (what a surprise), a schoolteacher with an egg, nerds, crabs, lobsters, goo, something from your nightmares, spooky skeletons, vegans, the Michelin Man, birds, pots, titans from Attack on Titan, hands, meat, ants, sentient steel balls, STUPID GARGOYLES and yourself. Surprisingly, one leading cause of death in the game is terminal velocity. Every player who has jumped off a cliff has been met with the experience of gravity.  

By this point in the game, the player will ask themselves what the objective is and, thanks to the title, you can never forget: THE ELDEN RING. However, before one can be the Elden Lord and wear the Elden Ring, like they just got engaged, they must go through the equivalent of employee training. To be the lord you must be able to meet the standards of one, because professionals have standards. Have a large sword, look the part and only use the cool looking armor, do every side quest but the main one, betray everyone to acquire the coolest gear, hold doors open for people, acquire a fedora, only use the katanas in the game and boom, you are ready to be the Elden Lord. 

The game is well-made and gives the player the right amount of fun and frustration. Even if the enemy has a dumb and broken lightning attack. NO SALT. 

9.5/10 Runes