Hurricane Pip Ravages UW-Platteville


The Antagonist/Cherry Lemon

Platteville students keeping up with the news might have been aware of what scientists are calling “Hurricane Pip,” a huge hurricane that has miraculously avoided every important landmark in the United States, save for Platteville, Wisconsin.

This has led to widespread confusion throughout the campus, including professors such as Johnabonny Rizzpoor who claimed that this hurricane “should not be possible” and to “please get out of my office.”

When the Antagonist reporters left his office, the door slammed closed, and cries could be heard emanating from the room. The Antagonist has not been able to reach Johnabonny Rizzpoor for further comment.

Platteville students expressed their frustration with the earthquake. A junior majoring in engineering was quoted as saying, “At first, I thought it was funny. I didn’t have to go to class, which was awesome, but now it’s been a week, and I’m tired of being stuck in my dorm. I’m paying a lot of money to be here, and nobody can do anything because of this stupid hurricane.”

Many students share this sentiment, with a group of them deciding to take matters into their own hands by standing out in the Markee Pioneer Student Center parking lot with leaf blowers to blow the hurricane towards Whitewater.

It is unknown whether these attempts would have been successful as a group of hurricane rights activists showed up and protested the group until campus police were called and forced the crowds to disperse due to “unsafe and deadly weather conditions.”

Antagonist reporter, Ollie Tabooger, was on the scene interviewing students. He got a comment from a first-year student in elementary education who identified herself as a hurricane rights activist.

She said she was a fan of the hurricane and talked about how it made campus life livelier. “There never used to be events like this before the hurricane,” she said while looking over the group of students where several fistfights had broken out. “It’s amazing seeing all of us get together for a cause. It’s beautiful and inspiring.”

Tabooger was also able to interview one of the members of the self-proclaimed “leaf blower militia” who stated he was using his first amendment right to protest the hurricane.

“I’m a very accepting person,” the senior in accounting stated, “but I don’t think it’s fair for a hurricane to live on campus without paying tuition like the rest of us.”

If Tabooger interviewed any other students, that information is unknown to the rest of the staff at the Antagonist, as promptly after his last interview, Tabooger was sucked up and swallowed into the hurricane.

The Antagonist’s current plan is to update the public on the whereabouts of the dreaded hurricane so long as it promises to not destroy Warner Hall.