My Exponent Infiltration

How the Exponent works and what to do to fit in


Morgan Fuerstenberg graphic

I gladly present my notes on the Exponent after my months-long investigation. I am a graduating senior with a double major in English-Professional Writing and English-Literature and a minor in TESOL.

I infiltrated the Exponent as one of three interns this semester. If you want an internship at the Exponent, start by buying Biscoff biscuits and Albanese gummy candy in bulk and learn how to treat a bullet wound to the lungs using your student ID and a library card—two surprisingly related things. 

During your first meeting, show no fear. They will sense it and will obliterate you on the spot. At some point during your stay with the Exponent, you may wander curiously over to the advisor’s office. If you do, look at everything and nothing all at once. It may help to practice moving your eyes independently of one another. It would also behoove you to compliment the advisor’s shoes as a sign of peace.

As untameable as the Exponent may seem, the staff are easily bribed with snacks and homemade food. If you find yourself in need of distracting the staff as you download files on Chip Cordon, occupy them with low quality voice impressions and stock photos.

All in all, the Exponent is not unlike a detective hound with a keen sense of justice and storytelling. More than a few times, I have witnessed the frenzied fervor of the entire organization chasing sources and evidence for stories and mastering 12-page publications in a single night. However, no hard night’s work could ever deter the staff from readily tempting death by riding the decrepit Warner elevator, which will inevitably claim at least half of the Exponent staff.

The Exponent has proven to be unhinged and chaotic; nonetheless, they are a daunting force to contend with and absolutely lethal if you find yourself a target. Their ambition is insatiable and their dedication unmatched. My experience at UW-Platteville would have been incomplete without being a part of the Exponent. Thus concludes my research on the Exponentious staffporium.