In a stunning move, UW System President Ray Cross has announced that he intends to appoint himself chancellor and provost of the University of Wisconsin-Platteville.

“All this fussing and fighting has to stop,” Cross stated in a 2 a.m. email that was sent to the UW-P senior team and inadvertently copied to the entire staff of the Antagonist. “I’m taking over this dog-and-pony show and bringing in app

rentices who will really work to make the trains run. You’re all fired.”

Cross’s message created panic in the suites of power and a flurry of messages to the Antagonist.

“Check this out,” wrote Chancellor Dennis J. Shields. “We can slash our structural deficit tremendously simply by a couple of cuts.”

As proof, Shields sent screen shots of the budget totals for intercollegiate athletics and the provost’s office.

“How does $1,474,661 look to you?” Shields wrote, probably rhetorically. (See Figs. 2 and 3.)

In response, Provost Mittie Den Herder pointed out that she could come up with an even more impressive figure and attached a screen shot.

“To the Antagonist,” Nimocks wrote, “Please note that adding the athletics budget to the chancellor’s budget results in $1,884,804 – just saying.” (See Fig. 1.)

Emails to the office of the Platteville sports information director went unanswered. A woman who answered the phone at Cross’s office declined to identify herself but did say, “Ray’s out sick today.”