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Grass determined obsolete, will be paved

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Fuckboi nude model Dalton Costello walks on newly paved sidewalk in hopes to get 100th citation.

Fuckboi nude model Dalton Costello walks on newly paved sidewalk in hopes to get 100th citation.

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Fuckboi nude model Dalton Costello walks on newly paved sidewalk in hopes to get 100th citation.

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If you’ve been at the University of Wisconsin-Platteville for more than two years, you may know that there weren’t always as many paved paths as there are now. The path outside Engineering Hall has only been there a couple years and so have some of the paths between Rountree Commons and campus. Any clever pedestrian knows why these paths exist they are put in to save the ground from wear and tear resulting from the busy foot traffic of students.  The planning behind these walkways may be a surprise to some. The Antagonist was allowed an interview with Earl Burd, head of campus groundskeeping, on the condition that we wear spit shields for our own safety.

“YOU [EXPLITIVE] [EXPLITIVE] KIDS CAN’T STAY OFF THE [EXPLITIVE] LAWN NO MATTER HOW MANY PATHS WE MAKE, SO NOW WE’RE GONNA PAVE THE WHOLE [EXPLITIVE] [EXPLITIVE] CAMPUS!” You heard right, folks. Cow paths such as the one west of the Markee Pioneer Student Center will soon be long gone, along with every other patch of grass across the entire campus. With the population and the large amount of foot traffic on campus every increasing, the groundskeepers say they are overwhelmed and taking jurassic measures.

Needless to say, the decision has not been well received by all. Many students report that walking or sitting on the campus grass during the annual month of warm weather is an integral part of the college experience. Additionally, animal science majors fear that the lives of Platteville’s sacred squirrels may be interrupted as they will be unable to bury or unbury their nuts as they routinely do.

“I swear to God if they scare away the squirrels too I’ll have nothing left at this university,” senior media studies major Steve Green said.

However, skaters and bikers on campus were ecstatic when they received the news.

“I’m gonna at least quintuple the number of people I almost hit each week” reported Dalton Costello, local fuckboi.

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The student news site of University of Wisconsin-Platteville.
Grass determined obsolete, will be paved