UW-Platteville makes wedding announcement


At a major press conference held at, appropriately enough, the old/new engineering building, top notch officials from the University of Wisconsin-Platteville announced what is certain to be the social event of the season.

University Grand Poohbah Dennis the Menace gleefully announced, “We have made some new friends today.  I am pleased to announce the pending nuptials between this great university and FoxxyConJob of China. Pioneer Pete will serve as Best Man.”

“As part of its traditional Chinese dowry,” continued UGP Menace, “FoxxxyConJob will provide us with 100 FTE. Ninety-eight of those will be assigned to handle the forthcoming stampede of new engineering students. The other two will be converted to even more much needed support staff positions including University Wedding Planner.”

Chief Academic Office Ida Know said, “We’re looking forward to utilizing those extra FTE to launch new programs in support of the university’s engineering classes and the needs of FoxxyConJob.”

Among the new programs are majors in Nylon Fiber Weaving and Ophthalmology.  According to University Assistant to the Assistant Undersecretary of New Programs IQ Daily, the new FoxxyConJob plant in Racine will need miles and miles of new suicide netting and hundreds of new eye doctors to treat eye strain.

“What’s good enough for the FoxxyConJob industrial park in Shittezhen, China, is good enough for Wisconsin,” said UAAUNP Daily. “And don’t forget the new Divining Rod major.  Someone’s going to have to refill Lake Michigan.”

In a possible Fake News report, WI Governor Snot “Invisible” Wanker was supposedly somewhere on the UW-Platteville campus for the big event today. Wanker, allegedly cleverly hidden in plain sight by university officials, said “no worries” when asked about the technology that FoxxyConJob was planning on manufacturing in the Dairy State.

“I nose all about new tech,” smiled Wanker.  “I just recycled my BetaMax for a shiny DVD player. I was told that the DVD player doesn’t have Alexa, but I don’t even know who Alexa is, so I don’t care.”

“And nobody cares that LED screens are old school and that OLED is the wave of the future. Solar panels and lithium ion batteries are stupid too. Somebody else (like China wink wink) can make that useless garbage.  Oh cha, data centers are even dumber. Don’t need ‘em here.  BTW-under orders from my official office, no WI citizen is allowed to googley ‘FoxxyConJobs suicide nets.’ The penalty is budget cutz.”

In a totally unrelated move, former Wisconsin State House Minority Leader Petra Barfah announced that he was taking a $1 million job with FoxxyConJob as its Director of BS and Fake Newz.