Aries: March 21 – April 19
Three of Cups (Reversed)
Although you only have two hands, you picked up the Three of Cups. What are you going to do with the third cup, now? If you put it down, you’ll forget about it. Great, way to go, now you spilled the third cup. That’s why the card is reversed then, huh? Come back next week when you learn proper manners.

James Franco: April 19 – April 19
Pineapple Express
Mr. Franco, I’m a huge fan. I loved your work in all of your films. Never had a bad job. Every day is a great day to be a James Franco fan.

Taurus: April 20 –May 20
Queen of Wands
She’s the ruler of the wands. Queen of sticks. Good old, broken tree limbs. The classic, one-two- buckaroo game when you were a kid.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20
Nine of Cups
Did you not learn the lesson from the Three of Cups? Too many cups. Say it with me, “Too. Many. Cups.” Now you have seven, count ‘em, seven, more cups than you have hands. What are you even doing? Getting ready for a party or something? The cups are empty. What are you going to do with a bunch of empty cups? Come on, you’re better than this.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22
The High Priestess
Dang, look at her new robe. That’s a shiny robe.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Death (Reversed)
Now, normally, a death card would mean that your neighbor’s annoying child will be finally sent off to a military boarding school, however, it is reversed. This week, your annoying child will be sent to a military boarding school.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Five of Wands
Just a bunch of teenagers and metal pipes. A skateboard park. You go for the radical half-pipe turnbuckle super-slam to impress your skater friends, but instead you do an even cooler triple-fourth-pipe shredded cheddar sandwich overhead throwdown jump-hop-skip and they faint from your epicness.

Libra: September 23 – October 22
Knight of Swords (Reversed)
Bro, why did you flip the card over? Now he’s going to fall off his horse. Bad luck is in store for you, you un-chivalrous peasant.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
The Tower
You made a literary escape for all the princesses stuck up in towers. Now, Rapunzel can get that pixie cut she’s always wanted and not worry about not being able to be saved.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Ten of Swords (Reversed)
You’re very lucky to have not been stabbed by the ten swords. Thankfully they are reversed and not pointed towards you. Your luck is shown through your survivability and will to live. Keep your head up but also head down in case there are ten more swords waiting for you. It’s some bologna, I’ll tell you.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
The Ten of Wands
Wow, you have a lot of wands. That’s ten more than the average person.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
The Fool (Reversed)
The fool wears a nice pair of yellow stockings, a comfortable fit for a comfortable fool. He walks with the arrogance of a man without a care in the world. He carries a white flower in his left hand and his wares in his right hand. His blonde hair waves in the cool breeze of the ocean crashing on the cliffside. A small, white terrier follows in his footsteps as he crafts his own adventures. He is happy with his life. It’s a shame that it’s reversed!

Pisces: February 19 – March 20
The Hermit
Imagine this: you don’t like people. That’s it, that’s your reading. Take your card, and leave. I have nothing more for you.

Tarot Deck: 52-card pickup.