Climate Change New Solution


Butternut Squash graphic

As the world goes ‘round, the years get warmer and the climate changes. Humans are not protecting the environment as more oil rigs get approved and fuel emissions are let into the air. People have the capacity to promote change and make new laws but due to the political polarization of climate change, no one is willing to work together to implement conservation.

However, Dr. Kazcan Rizzwell VII of Boston’s University of Technical Theories (BUTT) has made a ground breaking discovery in protecting the environment. Thousands of pounds of plastic are found in the oceans every year without anyone doing anything-until now there is a solution to the relocation of the microplastic.

Rizzwell has proposed implants to be made of these microplastics. Many celebrities go under the knife and it has become trendy to see who can have the “biggest bazookas.” It is a race to see who can have the best, fake plastic body among influencers today.

Big name corporations would not have to provide insurance for their employees claiming that their Brazilian Butt Lift is a medical expense. The plastic in the ocean is free, which would cut the surgery prices in half, if not more. A customer would only be paying for the procedure, not the product.

Thankfully, Rizzwell has volunteered as the first test subject of his new procedure. Currently, Rizzwell has injected five pounds of plastic straight into his behind. “I look fabulous and I am protecting the environment”, continued Rizzwell. “Yesterday, I spoke with the Kardashian family’s plastic surgeon and she said they are willing to use my implants. This will take out half of the plastics in the ocean!”

An important disclaimer with these new implants is that once received, an individual should not go swimming the ocean. It would defeat the purpose of taking the plastic out of the ocean if we are just going to put it back in.

Although Rizzwell’s implants are new, reports indicate he may have released them earlier to select individuals. Slick Swagner, CEO of Don’t Lick It Comics, says he has not gone under the knife but speculations have arisen after Swagner claimed his 24A chest grew to a 36DD due to a cinnamon essential oil.

Nevertheless, conservationists are excited about this solution. “Our oceans can be cleaner and we can protect future generations of aquatic life”, Juan Krimswell, Assistant professor of Environmental Engineering at BUTT said. “Rizzwell has created such a beautiful visual for me to understand and I am excited to teach this to my students”.