Johnothy Danger Rizzwell v. Exponent


Editor-in-Chief Johnothy Danger Rizzwell, 22, has escaped Warner Hall after being found guilty on multiple office felony charges including turning off computers during production night, nonstop Batman lore and laying out page seven for the sixth week in a row.

Rizzwell faces three life sentences, being Editor-in-Chief and participating in community service, which consists of pushing cars out of the snow for a cumulative 400 hours.

Rizzwell is being represented by Chief Layout Editor, Gabe Farr, as he is the only remaining ally of Rizzwell. Chief Graphics Editor Morgan Fuerstenberg and Chief Copy Editor Natalie Downie are representing the Exponent office as a “power duo” to serve justice against Rizzwell.

Unpaid Intern and Judge, Kaz Bresnan, has declared the Rizzwell charges as the “the worst” he has ever seen, especially since he is more of a “Dungeons and Dragons” fan and has never once stepped inside a court room. Bresnan was named the most unbiased person in the office after an anonymous vote was held when Rizzwell’s crimes against the staff were charged.

“Kaz has only been here for a little more than a semester and does not even hold a paid position. We just gave him the title of Unpaid Intern to make him feel better,” Rizzwell said in a statement from the Exponent office. “Wait, hold on… Kaz? The most unbiased in the office? When was this voted on?”

The vote was held during the first executive board meeting during the spring semester.

“I do not really understand what is going on, to be honest,” Advisor Chip Cordon continued, “I cannot keep up with these darn kids.” Cordon does not have a vote.

Rizzwell is supposed to be held in custody in the Exponent office till his sentencing on March 28 during Production Night. “I do not understand anything that is going on. I have not turned off an office computer in at least a semester, my Batman impression is spot-on and I cannot help that I randomly get chosen to do page seven every single week.” Downie and Fuerstenberg have been accumulating evidence since 2021. “We have known Johnothy the longest. I’m afraid to even say the name ‘Batman’ in the office,” Downie said.

During the trial, Bailiff and Managing Editor, Nick Wagner, had to restrain multiple witnesses during the examinations due to the nature of Rizzwell’s crimes.

“Every time I close my eyes, I see Johnothy with his hands over his eyes, talking in the Batman voice. I will be in my dorm, and within the darkness, I swear that he is in my room,” Social Media and Web Manager and victim Veronica Hausser said as she was doing the “Amber Heard Tissue Trick” by rubbing her nose with a tissue to seem like she was crying while they were taking courtroom photos Farr attempted to challenge Hausser’s statement, claiming it was “hearsay.” Bresnan responded by claiming the statement was not hearsay and that he needs to “shut up.”

Rizzwell looked confused for the majority of the trial as Wagner made fake handcuffs out of old newspapers and Bresnan wore a powdered wig.

“I do not understand the charges, either. If I am being charged with these crimes, why would they make me continue being Editor-in-Chief? I am confused,” Rizzwell said.

Multiple other witnesses took to the stand, including the defense’s main character witness and Chief Photo Editor, Ethan Hack. “I just got here, like, literally three or four weeks ago, but Johnothy and I are basically brothers. He pushed my car out of the snow once and we were in Boy Scouts together. I would give my life for him,” Hack said.

Fuerstenberg and Downie were worried after Hack’s testimony until a shock in the courtroom came from Business Manager, Isabelle Sander, bursting in at the last minute to provide video evidence of Rizzwell’s crimes. Sander was rushed in with the help of the Circulation Manager Zach Johnson’s moped.

“I need to share my story, for I have known Johnothy for the longest. Do not get me wrong, he is a great guy, but I have major video evidence of the Batman impression,” Sander said.

Farr objected as the evidence was submitted late, but Bresnan sustained and allowed for the video to be played for the jury, which consisted only of the Assistant Graphics Editor, Abigail Shimniok. The video depicted Rizzwell walking up to multiple staff members and asking if they wanted “justice to be served” while having “The Batman 2022” soundtrack playing in the background and doing a Batman impression.

After revealing the video, Rizzwell then proceeded to make a daring escape from the Exponent office by ripping off the paper handcuffs and casually walking through the front doors. Wagner tried to tackle Rizzwell, but he was already out the door. Rizzwell took the stairs while Wagner waited for the Warner Hall elevator, and by the time Wagner made it to the first floor, three hours had passed, and everyone went home.

Rizzwell is still on the run, but Exponent members expect him to be in the office next Tuesday because he is the only person who can export the newspaper to the printing company and is the overall glue of the Exponent.